Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference. Joey: Well think about it when you're 90... Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference. Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop ] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
Ross: [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink. Chandler: And a LEMON LIME. Ross: You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater. Joey: And last but not least. [Monica receives her gift] Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
[pounding a scone] Ross: Stupid British snack food. Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
[In response to a stupid comment] Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal! Chandler: [pointing] I *knew* it!
Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better? Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn't.
Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress. Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress. Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then. Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.
Rachel: Wha... married? Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married! Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?
Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
Rachel: ...How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? Dr Long: Three. Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams. [Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins] Monica: No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember? Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*! Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!
Monica: You don't like the game, because you suck at it. Chandler: I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.
Phoebe: [Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
Ross: What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler: Du-ude! Monica: What happened in Atlantic City? Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar... Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"? Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls. Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God. Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Janice: [repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!
Chandler: [after a resident has come on to Monica] Is there anyone in this building who hasn't tried to hit on you? Monica: Well, there's Smokes-a-lot-Lady. [thinks] Monica: Wait a minute, that is not true.
Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it? Chandler: Well, we actually missed it. Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!
Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today? Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
Monica: Hi. Chandler: You are not gonna believe what I did today. Monica: Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave. Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms. Chandler. [pause] Chandler: Although, I hope they don't. Monica: Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms. Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump? Chandler: Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five! Monica: What is the matter with your hand? Chandler: Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words. Monica: Chandler, why would you do that? Chandler: Because it's awesome. Monica: You think this is clever? Chandler: Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge. Monica: Wait a minute, this one's not dirty. Chandler: Well, it is, when you put it together with that one. Monica: Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there. Chandler: Come on, he wont even know what they mean. Monica: He's seven, not stupid. Chandler: Have you talked to him lately? Monica: All right, I'm just going to unplug it... Chandler: No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work! [Monica unplugs it] Chandler: Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip! Monica: You gotta beat your scores. Chandler: With the claw? Monica: Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger". Chandler: Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!
Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed. Chandler: You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets!
Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen. Chandler: Because, it... it's not his last name. Phoebe: It isn't? Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man. Phoebe: Oh, oh okay... Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!
Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again. Chandler: Never. Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again. Chandler: No. Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman. Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel: [pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one! Chandler: You got it! Come on! Rachel: [unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt? Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off. [runs over to office door where his pants are hanging] Chandler: Hello, sweet pants! Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out? Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.
Ross: We were on a break! Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
Chandler: The only way I would've said six would have been if I had said, "Let's meet at seven, not at six." Monica: The only way I would've said seven, would have been if I had said, 'Wow, my boyfriend is such a wiseass... Seven!'
Phoebe: Oh, my God! The foster puppets!
Ross: [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words. Phoebe: [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way? Rachel: He's talking to the baby. Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
Carol: Oh, what do you know? No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this [shouts] Carol: pot roast through it?"
Richard Crosby: [drunk] I'm wearing two belts. Joey: Are you drunk? Richard Crosby: No. Joey: Yes, you are. Richard Crosby: Well, all right.
Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
Chandler: I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did! Joey: Really? Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!
Ross: Okay, there you go. Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.
Ross: What are you doing tonight? Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No. Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
Kate Miller: [they are doing a scene] I have a question about this scene. The Director: Yes? Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor. [Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne] The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking. Joey: Yeah. Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that. Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch. Kate Miller: It does not say that in the script. Joey: It does in mine!
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you. Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth. Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good." Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know? Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex?
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged. Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story. Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to... Jack Geller: [ignoring her] Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened. Judy Geller: [incredulous] You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
Joey Tribbiani: [after smelling potpourri] Well, this is like summer in a bowl!
Phoebe: [Monica stares dreamily as Richard leaves the room] Oooh, I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy. I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
[in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot] Monica: The sun is out! Chandler: [squinting in pain] Hey, remember when I had corneas?
Joey Tribbiani: [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him] Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. Monica: [on the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. [to Rachel] Monica: Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks. Monica: That is the unusual activity.
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Reporter: I like that. what's your name? [pointing tape recorder at Pheobe] Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross] Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
[repeated line] Ross: We were on a break!
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