Simpsons - some of the Hillarious quotes ever

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)

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Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

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Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

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Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! hits tree

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Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible

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Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

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Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home

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Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

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Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. A He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star

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Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

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Chief Wiggum: Well let me ask you this: shut up.

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Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

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Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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Homer: What's a wedding? A Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.

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Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning

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Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

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Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're under reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is under.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: bad bye

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Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.

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Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

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Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'

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Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

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Homer: Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

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Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

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Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Hillarious :: Quotes from Friends - Part 3

[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents] Phoebe: Oh, my god. Under the couch. [takes out bag] Rachel: We got one. It's a Macy's bag. [turns it over and an old shoe falls out] Phoebe: Yay. Who's it for? Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

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[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Joey: He's grieving. [We see Chandler running outside] Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

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Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

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Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

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Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you. [pause] Phoebe: Except for you, Joey.

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Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals. Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

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Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a [mumble] Phoebe: handlerrrrr.

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Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa. Phoebe: What thing about Santa? Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course. Joey: Ok, see you later. [leaves] Phoebe: Bye. [stares, terrified]

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Phoebe: You still love Rachel. Ross: No, I don't. Phoebe: You got married to her. Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey. Phoebe: [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

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Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance. Ben: Thanks, daddy. Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

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[On living alone] Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

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[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him] Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? Rachel: Not right now.

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Chandler: [comes home] Hey. Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sidney Poitier? [laughs by himself] Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel...

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Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie. Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line. [winks at Joey]

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Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi. Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi? Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?

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Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas. Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning. [Monicas stares at him] Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

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Charles Bing: Hello, Nora. Nora Bing: Hello, Charles. Charles Bing: Well, it's nice to see all of you. Although we are seeing a bit too much of some. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that? Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that!

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Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces. Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one. Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

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[Joey is starring in a World War I epic] Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey: Really? Great.

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Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

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Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside. Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it. Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air. Ross: Ok. Chandler: [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...

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[Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents] Chandler: You look beautiful mom. Nora Bing: Thanks, dear. Charles Bing: Ahem. Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad.

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[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding] Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

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Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible. Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

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Ross: [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller. Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller. Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...

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Monica: [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet? Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story... Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny- [makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]

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Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment. Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert? Ross: I'm not a pervert. Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

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[Chandler is caught smoking] Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years. Chandler: And this- is my reward. Ross: Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.

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Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

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Joey: I am telling this to Rachel. Monica: No, Joey. Joey: Unless... Chandler: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your first born after me. Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name. Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni. [pause] Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

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Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party. Chandler: No. Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked. Chandler: ...All right. Joey: YEAH. Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey. Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there? Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough. Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight. Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party. Joey: [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

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Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight? Ross: Sure. Mona: Ok. Bye. Ross: Bye. Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.

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Joey: You two were having sex. Monica: No, we weren't. Joey: Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair. [to Chandler] Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

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Chandler: [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

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Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

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Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer. Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself. Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.

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Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler: Maureen Rosilla. Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

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[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General. Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major? Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

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Ross: [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on. [gets second line] Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on. [returns to second line] Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend. [switches back to second line] Monica: Give me that. [into phone] Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house? [pause] Monica: Oh, hi mom. [starts throwing things at Ross]

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Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

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[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward] Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. [long, awkward pause] Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

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Chandler: [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time. Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with. Richard: Well... Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler kicks, out of sight] Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow. [to Chandler] Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

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[At an audition] Joey: Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent. [with Jamaican accent] Joey: Ya, mon.

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Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange. Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. [pause] Chandler: I'll let myself out.

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Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks. Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

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Monica: So you wanna? Chandler: OK. [pauses] Chandler: I can't. Monica: [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute. Chandler: I can't because of Emma. Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

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Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

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Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff? Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself. Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it? Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this? Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

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Ross: I love marriage. Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?

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[after having sex with Rachel's boss] Rachel: You promised you would break up with her. Chandler: I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.

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Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

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Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

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[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it] Rachel: I will have the uh, [whispers] Rachel: side salad. Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of? Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

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Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this? Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up... [notices Monica's angry glare] Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

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[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down] Joey: Hey, do you need any help? Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

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Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

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[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet] Joey: Do you have a bobby pin? Chandler: Wait. [runs hands through hair] Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl. Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

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Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

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Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced. Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married..

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[talking to Monica] Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

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[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes] [Just been told the patients date of birth] Joey: Age...? Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth? Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

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Monica: Do you ever think about the future? Richard: Yeah, I think about the future. Monica: Am I in it? Richard: You are my future. Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky.

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Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Joey, Chandler: That's nice. Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me. Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield. Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby! Joey: He should take the sack? Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

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[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's] Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. Joey: What if we have to pee? [pause] Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas...

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Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick. Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"? Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

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Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet? Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

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[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress] Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.

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Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

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Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

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Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.

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[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish] Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

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Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

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Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

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Richard: [about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

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Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.

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Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

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Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.

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[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment] Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going. Jack Geller: Bye. [both leave] Monica: Hey. How come they get to leave? Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country. Monica: No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

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[Looking through the ads in a newspaper] Monica: There are no jobs for me. Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked? Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef? Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

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Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?

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Ross: Seriously? Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair. [she starts crying] Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks. Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie. Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. [pause] Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.

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Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

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[Ross looking at Monica's legs] Ross: Wow. Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

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[Telling Rachel how to be sexy] Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose". Chandler: "Flashdance". Joey: Where this plumber chick... Chandler: She was a welder Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?

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Ross: I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake... Joey: Mmm. Ross: ...with mealworm. Joey: Ugh.

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Phoebe: They're coming. Run! Joey: Where? Phoebe: Mexico!

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Rachel: I've never been to an analyst! Phoebe: And it shows.

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Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you? Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

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Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.

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Joey: Of course it was a line! Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

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Ross: You-you-you-you [trying to remain in control] Ross: threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH!

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Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy. Joey: I will not take this abuse. [Walks to the door and opens it to leave] Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. [Burst into song and dances out of the door] Chandler: 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

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Rachel: You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones! Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

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Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

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Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him? Joey: Five years. Ross: You've sentenced him? Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

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Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you. Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay? Rachel: Now I love you even more.

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Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross: Yeah, sure. Joey: By someone besides Monica?

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Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

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Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone. Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there! Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

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Ross: Did you see the kid on that nose?

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[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters] Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

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Phoebe: Sting's pen... [as she puts it in her purse] Phoebe: ... that he gave to Phoebe.

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Chandler: We're getting a house. Monica: We're getting a baby. Chandler: We're growing up. Monica: We sure are. Chandler: So who's going to tell them? Monica: Not it. Chandler: Not it. Damn it!

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Chandler: What are you guys like a gang or something? [Joey whispers to Rachel] Joey: Yeah, we are. [Rachel whispers to Joey] Rachel: We're the Cobras.

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Erica: [playing a joke on Chandler] It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.

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Chandler: [talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?

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Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose. Joey: Just flip the coin!

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Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.

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Ross: Hi... Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.

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Ross: Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you? Joey: Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man! Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats. Joey: Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

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Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat! Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off Chandler: Oh how well you know me

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Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class. Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

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Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine! Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! Rachel: I've never done that Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!

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Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you... Ross: [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ]

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Ross: I want someone who gets my heart pounding [sees Rachel] Ross: ... Someone who... Chandler: Little play things with yarn? Ross: What? Chandler: Could you want her more? Ross: Who? Chandler: Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".

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Rachel: You didn't finish reading it? Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!

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Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di... Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.

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Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel? Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight... Ross: [puts message in cupboard]

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Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey Monica what's this? Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then... Chandler: Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...

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Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist. Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

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Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, [trying to pronounce her name in French] Phoebe: Nestlé Toulouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse. Monica: Nestle Toll House? Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

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Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.

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Ross: You're crazy! Benjamin Hobart: Crazy? Or... Romantic? Ross: Crazy! Benjamin Hobart: Ooor... Ross: Get out!

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Rachel: [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg. Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.

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Rachel: It's sick! Monica: Why is it sick? Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

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Rachel: [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all. Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.

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Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too? Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.

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Janice: It's a small world after all. Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!

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[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first] Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. [kisses him on the cheek]

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[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross] Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. [Mr. Zelner looks shocked] Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

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Joey: [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni [pause] Joey: 25 [pause] Joey: Yeah I'm single [pause] Joey: Actor... hello?

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Ross: [after trying to kiss his cousin] [thinking] Ross: Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER. [actually speaking to his cousin] Ross: I haven't had sex in a very long time. [thinking again] Ross: Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.

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Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

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Ross: [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different? Richard: No. Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat? Richard: I have a little comb. Ross: Oh. And what do you call that? Richard: A moustache comb.

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[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding] Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!

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Monica: I'll never have a first kiss again. Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.

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Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place? Chandler: Because the kids need shoes.

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Monica: [looking at the Playboy of the Month] Listen, these are her favorite things - chocolate, back rubs, walks on the beach at night. Rachel: You know she is attractive, I would date her. You know, if I was "you know", I would date her. Monica: Hey Rach, if you were, "you know", which one of us would you date? Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] I don't know... Monica: [looking at Phoebe and Rachel] Yeah, me either... Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Rachel. Monica: [Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe] What? Phoebe: I don't know...

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Phoebe: [sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!

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Chandler: ...And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"

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Ross: Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?

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Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain. Joey: Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Oh... me too! Phoebe: Huh! I bet they're doing it!

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[a beautiful women is checking out Chandler] Phoebe: [stands up] Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec... [clears throat and talks in a deep voice] Phoebe: Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.

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Joey: [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls] Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

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Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea? Phoebe: [weakly] Uh-huh. Joey: This man is my God!

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Phoebe: [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month? Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me. Phoebe: Did not! Monica: Yes, you did. [puts on a seductive look] Monica: Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you. Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on. [blows Monica a kiss] Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!

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Monica: Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time! Chandler: You see that? Monica: Do you see this? [opens her mouth and stares] Monica: Duhhhhhh?

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Monica: [Monica has refused to go out with Chandler] Darn it! There's no more soda. Chandler: I'll go get some. Monica: Really? Chandler: Well, I would, [shouts] Chandler: but I'm not your boyfriend!

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Monica: [the Friends are at the beach] Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat. Chandler: [to Joey] You know that's not really true. Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie. Chandler: Why? What happened to him? Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.

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Dr. Leonard Green: So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for, [points at Mona] Dr. Leonard Green: so you could hang around with this tramp! Mona: *Tramp*? Ross: Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.

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Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain? Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat." Phoebe: I know her!

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Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today! Chandler: Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

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Ross: I think it'll be a boy. Phoebe: I think it'll be a girl. Ross: Phoebe, you thought Ben would be a girl. Phoebe: Have you seen him throw a ball?

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[Rachel, Phoebe and Joey have just found out that Chandler, Ross and Monica went to an after party with Hootie and the Blowfish] Phoebe: What's on your neck? Monica: That? That would be the work of a Blowfish.

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Chandler: [after accidentally spitting out gum whilst trying to blow a bubble to "charm" Jill Goodacre] [thinks] Chandler: Just reach over and pick it up... [discreetly picks up gum from table and pops it back in mouth] Chandler: There we go! Good save! Now it's all good and you're... chewing someone else's gum. Oh, my God! Oh, my *God*! [suddenly starts to gag] Chandler: And now you're choking. Jill Goodacre: [frowns] Are you okay? [Chandler continues to choke and flashes a thumbs-up]

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[Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room] Joey: You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e

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[Listening to Phoebe and Mike breaking up whilst holding a heavy sofa] Chandler: Aaaaaand... Hernia.

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Ross: The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed! Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

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Phoebe: [singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.

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Joey: Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!

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Chandler: [Monica thinks their maid stole her pants and bra] Monica, come on do you really think that she would steal from us, then come back and wear it right in front of you? Monica: Don't you see? It's the PERFECT crime! Chandler: [acting as outraged as her] She must have been planning this for years!

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Janice: [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house] What a small world! Chandler: ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.

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Joey: [seeing he and Ross are wearing the same shirt] Damn Gap on every corner!

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Joey Tribbiani: You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!